So February finally arrives and with my meticulous care and attention the amaryllis plant has now budded into full bloom. It is a glorious explosion of colors of unspeakable beauty. A perfect metaphor of my undying love and devotion. The time has come to give her the flower, confess my feelings and ride off into the sunset together on my white horse. (or at least to Hot Wok Express in my rusty ‘89 Celica). However, something just doesn’t seem right. I realize I am still not quite ready to confront her. I don’t know why I had this feeling. Perhaps at that time, I had been the unfortunate recipient of a bad haircut from an unskilled roommate, perhaps I had a nasty zit parked right on the center of my nose, perhaps it was because I thought if I moved to early, our conversation would go something like this:
Me: “Kim, may I speak to you for a moment?” [cue Celine Dion song of choice in portable boombox for background music]
Kim: “Sure.”
Me: “I know this may seem a bit silly. But let’s be honest. We’ve spent some pretty good times together. {nodding head] Have we not? Granted, there were some ups and downs there…a veritable roller-coaster, as it were…but we found our way. Did we not? People counted us out – yes, many people - but they had no idea what we shared – you and me. It would be a shame to walk away from everything we’ve worked so hard to build over the years – these many years. I guess what I’m trying to say is [down on one knee]…will you marry me?” [pulling out WalMart’s finest cubic zirconium]
Kim: “I’m sorry…do I know you? Oh wait…aren’t you the creepy guy in the loud sweat-suit that dances like a drunken elephant!” [as she whips out an industrial-size can of pepper spray from her purse]
Whew! Thankfully that never happened!
God is good.
So instead I opted to spend a few more days in prayer for some final discernment before I called her for “the talk” – you know “D.T.R.”…you know…“Do the RicoSuave”.
Unfortunately, although the amaryllis takes 13 long weeks to bud to unspeakable beauty, once it flowers it only lasts for a couple days. Stupid plant manual never told me that. So you can imagine my surprise when I get home from class one day - ready to finally confess my love - and the flowers I had cared for as an orphaned child, looked just like this:
*GASP*
From the door, my hands go to my face, my knees go to the floor, and my screams go to the sky:
"My flower of unspeakable beauty!!!”
“My metaphor of undying love!!!”
“My ham and pineapple pizza!!!” [my roommate ate the last leftover slice I was looking forward to enjoying all through Religious Studies 104 that morning…the selfish pig]
After a few hours of first shock…then denial…then acceptance…then uncontrollable weeping, I was finally able to get off the floor and gather myself. I told myself:
“Self, Papa John’s is always running specials on two-topping mediums…just let it go.” So I let it go. WWJD, right? [FYI, WWJD = "What Would Jesus Do?"]
Oh, and then, I picked up the limp and shriveled amaryllis from my window sill. How could this be? My flower of unspeakable beauty! My metaphor of undying love! My ham and pineapple pizza! [I was still having difficulty letting go of the pizza…don’t judge me!…ohhhh the selfish pig!] I then gathered myself and thought, “Okay. The flower is dead.” And wondered “What else can I give her that would communicate my undying love and devotion?” A few great ideas crossed my mind:
1. My favorite Spider-Man comic book still encased in it’s protective sleeve. I'm talking issue #34 – where our webbed superhero combats the insidiously evil….Dr. Octopus! Name ONE person who would NOT want this!!!
2. My WWJD bracelet. Since I felt I could no longer live up to it anyways…what with my unloveable-pizza-stealing roommate…the selfish pig!
3. An exquisite, romantic, candle-lit dinner at Hot Wok Express on University Avenue. Nothing like a little "Kung Pao" Chicken to put some extra "kick" into the romance! Yeah, baby, yeah!!
Thankfully, none of these “Plan B’s” came into play. Upon throwing away my ill-fated potted plant, I was able to salvage a lone live flower petal from the shriveled twigs. I thought, “I’ll just lovingly and carefully press this lone petal onto the page of the letter I’m going to give her when I ask her to pray for me.”
I then lovingly and carefully pressed that lone petal onto the page of the letter I was going to give her when I was going to ask her to pray for me. And then in my finest moment of inspiration, I proceeded to write the most beautiful letter I have ever written in my entire life [with notes to self in brackets]....
Dear Kim,
I know this may seem a bit silly. But let’s be honest. We’ve spent some pretty good times together. [nod here dumb-dumb] Have we not? Granted, there were some ups and downs there…a veritable roller-coaster, as it were…but we found our way. Did we not? People counted us out – yes, many people - but they had no idea what we shared – you and me. It would be a shame to walk away from everything we’ve worked so hard to build over the years – these many years. I guess what I’m trying to say is [go down on one knee now, stupid]…will you marry me? [pull out WalMart’s finest cubic zirconium...yes, you!]
Forever my love,
Peter
Wow. It brings a tear to my eye just re-reading that heart-felt poetry only true love could inspire. And then I get ready to call her to meet me for “the talk”…that’s part of my story and I’m partially sticking to it…
LIFE APPLICATION:
Single Women:
Don’t worry if you don’t get any flowers from boys. Chances are there are boys out there growing flowers for you…they just died before he could give them to you.
Always carry an industrial-size can of pepper spray in your purse. You never know when some crazy guy may appear out of nowhere and ask you to marry him.
If a guy takes you to a restaurant where the menu choices have numbers next to them - leave him AND the restaurant.
Single Men:
Always read the instructions carefully when you try to plant and grow flowers. (FYI – Amaryllis die soon after blooming)
Make sure you always carry an antidote for pepper spray with you. You never know when some crazy girl may spray you without provocation and without due process.
Take that special girl to a restaurant where the menu choices have numbers next to them. Girls love lots of selection!
Rob would've considered marrying you for a Spidey comic in mint condition, but alas, he already has that issue.
ReplyDeletelol...christian comedian in the making...
ReplyDelete