Saturday, January 14, 2012

Dark Night of the Soul

Please don't feel obligated to read these long-winded posts. If you're only interested in praying I've put all the prayer requests in bold so you can quickly identify them and lift them up. By the way, everything in the post below is true. If I didn't live it - I honestly would have never believed it.

I know so many of you are wondering how the first dose of chemo went. I'm struggling for words but I'll start with NIGHTMARE.

After yesterday, the "20 Minutes of Hell" has now been re-named the "20 Minute Walk in the Park". Yesterday was hell. There is no other way I can describe it. However, this time it wasn't for 20 minutes in a car, but for a good 2 hours in the hospital. Kim began her initial chemotherapy treatment with Rituxan (the first medication "R" in "R-CHOP") around 1:30pm yesterday. This med is crucial because it specifically targets the cancerous lymph nodes and everything was going beautifully....until about 90 minutes into it. First came severe nausea and vomiting convulsions. This struggle lasted for about 10 minutes. Then upon leaning forward to dry-vomit, she sat up and her face was ashen-white - her eyes then rolled up towards her forehead and she fell backwards on her bed. It all seemed to be in slow motion to me. I caught her head with my hand and yelled to the two nurses, "We're losing her!" One of them turned and yelled "Code blue!", slapped the emergency button and within 30 seconds there were about 15 people running around the room.

Throughout all of this I'm holding Kim's head saying, "Keep your eyes on me, baby! Keep your eyes on me! Everything's going to be fine!" over and over. She was clearly disoriented and her eyes were glassy. She then said softly, "Why are there so many people in the room?" I don't even now how I was able to get any words out. My heart was so heavy - it had fallen to the very pit of my stomach and I couldn't breathe. A few minutes later she had another bout of severe nausea, followed by chest pain and then a wrenching back pain. They immediately wheeled in a number of large machines and ran a series of tests all the while her vitals were touch and go. The pain grew to such an excruciating level that her head was wobbling and she was simultaneously pushing me away while crying out "Help!".

I have seen my wife birth three children. This pain was unlike any I've seen before - it was surreal. At one point she grabbed the small tub we put in front of her as if she was going to vomit, brought it to her mouth and then just placed it over her head. There are no words. All I could get out of my mouth as I watched in horror was "God...have mercy!"

There is nothing more humbling than seeing the one you love suffer so greatly....and being powerless to stop it.

Nothing.
 
At that point, they whisked her out of the the Oncology floor and to the Intensive Care Unit. I followed her all the way - watching her writhe in pain. When the bed finally stopped in her new room, I grabbed her head, leaned into her ear and began quoting every single Bible verse I could bring into memory. This was the only thing that seemed to have any calming effect. After about 15 minutes (which seemed an eternity), they injected some heavy pain meds and she began to lie still and fall into what seemed like a deep sleep. The nurse told me she had a severe "infusion reaction" to the Rituxan and they had to shut it down.

I stood by her bed leaning next to her head and quoted Scripture, wept, prayed, repented and sang softly into her ear while stroking her hair. She had not taken a shower in over a week and yet her forehead and hair has never smelled so beautiful. I don't know how long this lasted to be honest. I think about an hour? I hadn't even noticed but at some point the nurses had turned off the lights and left the room which had darkened after the setting sun. It was just me and Kim - alone in the quiet darkness of that room. Whenever I opened my eyes I felt a crushing weight of fear and anxiety overwhelm me. "Kim could not even make it past 1/2 the dosage of the first drug - how was she going to survive all 5 drugs? How were we going to beat this?" I thought. There was only one thing that was bringing me any peace - what I was doing with Kim and the prayers of the saints - and so I kept my eyes closed and kept whispering God's promises into her ear. She doesn't remember much of it at all. God in His mercy has erased it largely from her memory. It was my moment. It was for me. It was my dark night of the soul.

After running out of verses to give her. I grabbed my iPad and remembered the comments section from my last blog post. I needed to speak more of God's Word into her. I held her left hand and began going through each of your comments. She was so heavily sedated from the pain meds I wasn't sure if she could hear me. But as I read, when I quoted certain verses or when I mentioned some of your names as I read them, she would rub my hand with her thumb. That was all she could muster. But I know she could hear me because it was always timed with the start of a verse or a specific name. (you know who you are)

Thank you so much for serving us in this way. These are not just Bible verses. This is God's Word, shared by God's children, in each of your God-given furnaces - and they are pure gold! A gold refined by a holy fire which now shines forth His ineffable glory. I hope many of you can read some of these incredible verses and testimonies. Read comments on bottom of here. They are awesome but only because they testify of an awesome God. Kim and I will be committing many of these to memory.

After I read through almost all of these with her - I felt a desperate need to talk to someone. No one else we knew of in the world had witnessed what had just happened. Her parents had left just 20 minutes before this happened. I needed some words of encouragement. I felt so alone. Who would I call on in this darkest of moments? I called my pastor friend in Toronto (whom we had just visited the week before New Years). I have known him since junior high and kept in touch with him through all the years. He has served me as my spiritual mentor/father much of my whole life and even counseled me as I pursued and courted my beautiful bride, Kim. I didn't have the strength to say much to him. I just basically said:

"Sung? Kim isn't doing well. Her body is rejecting the first med."

I asked him to email me something....anything from the Bible that I could share with her. I then asked him to pray for us and then hung up. Within one minute - at 5:47pm - there was an email from him on my blackberry with the words "for a moment" in the subject line. It read:

Isa 54:6 For the LORD has called you Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,
Like a youthful wife when you were refused,” Says your God.7 “ For a mere moment
I have forsaken you, But with great mercies I will gather you. 8 With a little wrath I hid
My face from you for a moment; But with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,” Says the LORD, your Redeemer.

Isa 58:11 The LORD will guide you continually, And satisfy your soul in drought,
And strengthen your bones;  You shall be like a watered garden,  And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.

we love you Peter...and Kim;  and haven't stopped praying for you both with tears and faith,
sung

I read Kim this entire email and then just laid my head next to hers. Around 6pm the oncologist finally came by. He explained while this type of reaction is extremely rare it's not something he hasn't seen before. His theory is that as they ratcheted up the dosage of Rituxan every half hour her body did not like it one bit. He theorized perhaps the cancer was being attacked and felt threatened and was fighting back since the med was working. She has a large mass (8x5 cm) in her chest. It was not going to leave without a fight.

To my great joy, he said this does not mean we have to scrap the R-CHOP plan which is the gold standard treatment for this lymphoma. We just have to manipulate the plan a bit. He is going to administer the Rituxan drug by breaking it up over two days and giving it a smaller dose and at a slower pace. This will likely start on Monday or Tuesday. They want to allow Kim to recover and get stronger. This particular drug is very important to the chemotherapy because it is the only drug (of the five) that specifically identifies the cancer cells (while all the other drugs indiscriminately kill all cells) and raises the effectiveness of the cure rate from about 50-60% to 80-85%. Please pray that my wife will be able to take the Rituxan med without the same severe reaction she had yesterday.

After finally waking up between 6-7pm last night, Kim felt better. She was up and talking as the pain had subsided. Her family and my bro-in-law Ken came by. She looked so much better. This morning she ate well, and we went for several walks and even did some squats and leg lifts. They decided to start the other 4 drugs today (CHOP) around 2pm since she looked so good and since they are easier on the body (reaction-wise). They think shrinking the mass even a little bit may help ease her reaction on the Rituxan. As you can imagine, I was nervous about introducing any more chemo. It took about 2 hours and she took them all - like a champ!

Around 5pm while Kim was feeling good and listening to her dad tell his life story and I was lying on the couch trying to recover from last night, I suddenly heard Kim scream, "Oh my gosh! What are you doing here!" And guess who walks in? My dear friend Sung. I stood up and all I could say was "What are you doing here?" and then we both hugged and cried in each other's arms. I then told him that when I had called him last night I was so close to just asking him to fly out to Chicago. I needed him right then. The Lord already knew this and had Sung book the flight earlier in the week.

Without telling me, he and his wife Hannah decided on Monday they would fly to Chicago to minister to us in our time of need. Unfortunately, the tickets were well over $1,000 each on Monday. He had to request permission to miss a Sunday with his elder board and they all graciously agreed. Right before then the prices were dropping to about $600 each on Wed with tons of layovers - a supposed 2 hour flight would be a ridiculous 9 hours. Shortly after he got approval from his board in the middle of the week he checked on-line and the tickets had dropped to a rock-bottom $180 each....flying directly from Toronto to Chicago. The good Lord was making a way for my good friend to visit...in his time and He orchestrated everything independent of our knowledge.

Many of Kim's extended family came by tonight including our kids - armed with a ton of food. One of Kim's cousin (Yoon Jae) owns a Japanese restaurant (Kansaku) in Evanston and he treated us to a veritable feast. We spent much of tonight laughing and praising God for what He has done in the last 24 hours. My dark soul of night was indeed - for a moment.

My friend Sung headed back to the hotel room and his wife Hannah is staying with Kim tonight in her room - which has freed me up to share with all of you what the Lord has done. There will be ups and downs but the last 24 hours - I needed to share with you all that ALL OF YOUR PRAYERS FROM AROUND THE WORLD ARE WORKING!!!!

One last thing, I was driving my 3 year old daughter Selah back home from the hospital tonight while my sister-in-law Christina took the boys. It was just daddy/daughter time. As we pulled out of the hospital the first song that came on the radio (90.1 FM) was "Amazing Grace" by Chris Tomlin (watch here). I reflected upon the last 24 hours and thought - how appropriate. His grace is SO AMAZING!! But the second verse is when the Spirit really moved me as it echoed so many of the prayers I whispered into Kim's ear in the dark last night. I started singing along out loud, as I used to lead this song at my old church in worship and knew it by heart:

AMAZING GRACE by Chris Tomlin

2nd Verse
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

Chorus
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace


As I sang it out loud in the minivan, Selah joined me. She didn't know the words so she was singing nonsense but she was singing loudly and following the melody with me. Tears were streaming down my face as I sat at a stoplight in awe. In complete awe of "His Flood of Mercy, Unending Love, and Amazing Grace". Despite her loud singing, not 10 minutes later when I rolled into my garage she was fast asleep.

As I closed with in my very first blog post on Monday. "We don't know what the future holds. But we know who holds the future. And He is good and His love endures forever. Psalm 118:1." I believe this now more than ever. This battle is far from over. But I hope this little blog post encourages your faith to continue in prayer. We have a long road ahead but know that God is living and He is hearing the prayers of His beloved children.

In the meantime I am giving Mr. Lymphoma a little warning: "Look out, brother! Because me, my God, and an army of prayer warriors are coming to KICK...YOUR...ASS!!!"

We love each and everyone of you so much.

Awed by His Grace,

Peter & Kim

79 comments:

  1. Praise God! Thank you again for sharing your journey. So glad to hear the passages were a source of strength to Kim during such a difficult time! Continuing to pray with you...

    Deut 32:3-4
    I will proclaim the name of the LORD. Oh, praise the greatness of our God! 4 He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.

    -Cindy Kang

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  2. “Is he a man?” asked Lucy.

    “Aslan a man!” said Mr Beaver sternly. Certainly not. I tell you he is King of the wood and the son of the great emperor-beyond- the-sea. Don’t you know who is the King of the Beasts? Aslan is a lion – the Lion, the great lion.”

    “ooh!” said Susan, “I’d thought he was a man. Is he – quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.”

    “That you will, dearie, and no mistake” said Mrs Beaver; “if there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else just silly.”

    “Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.

    “Safe?” said Mr Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.

    Peter & Kim.. will be praying for you both!

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  3. Keep writing Peter -- your words about your personal journey are inspired and an inspiration. Love and blessings to you all!

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  4. WHAT. an. update.

    After reading, I am just now noticing how out of breath I am.

    Rejoicing, weeping, cheering, pleading, and praising God with you.

    -julie

    psalm 66:16-20
    Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what he has done for my soul.
    I cried to him with my mouth,
    and high praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened. But truly God has listened; he has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God,
    because he has not rejected my prayer or removed his steadfast love from me!

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  5. II Corinthians 4:7-11
    "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body."

    Peter....thanks for sharing your heart again. I'm encouraged that God has given you and Kim strength for today. The verses above have encouraged me in the past, but it's amazing how much more "alive" Scripture has become these days....God is doing a work in all of our hearts and making Himself known through His Word because of you and Kim.

    Please get some good rest tonight, bro. Kim needs you to stay healthy and strong. Love you both and interceding as P.Sung said "with tears and faith."

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  6. no Bible verse for this one. just some lyrics that have been on my mind a lot this past Christmas season, reminding me of our relationship with Christ ;-)
    In His Grace,
    John

    -LITTLE DRUMMER BOY-

    Come they told me,
    pa rum pum pum pum
    A new born King to see,
    pa rum pum pum pum
    Our finest gifts we bring,
    pa rum pum pum pum
    To lay before the King,
    pa rum pum pum pum,
    rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

    So to honor Him,
    pa rum pum pum pum,
    When we come.

    Little Baby,
    pa rum pum pum pum
    I am a poor boy too,
    pa rum pum pum pum
    I have no gift to bring,
    pa rum pum pum pum
    That's fit to give the King,
    pa rum pum pum pum,
    rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

    Shall I play for you,
    pa rum pum pum pum,
    On my drum?

    Mary nodded,
    pa rum pum pum pum
    The ox and lamb kept time,
    pa rum pum pum pum
    I played my drum for Him,
    pa rum pum pum pum
    I played my best for Him,
    pa rum pum pum pum,
    rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

    Then He smiled at me,
    pa rum pum pum pum
    Me and my drum.

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  7. Many prayers are coming your way from our home. As always, when I read your posts I am amazed by your faith. What a testimony to others you both are, thank you!

    Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7

    In Christ, Amy Neumann (Selah's teacher)

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  8. Hi Kim & Peter,

    You don't know me, but this is Eddie Yoon. I'm married to Jenna's good friend, Kristen (Oyama) Yoon.

    I've been reading your amazing chronicle of a blog. I think the pictures of your cute kiddies makes it all the more hard to read, as your kids are about the same age as ours. I couldn't imagine if it was Kristen going through this and me having to support her. You and Kim are handling the unthinkable with extraordinary strength and love.

    I'm sure this has been posted before, but the only thing I can think of that can convey the dread of what you are enduring are two narratives of the "end of the world". The first is from Tolkien, when Sam and Gandalf interact at the end. The second is my favorite Tim Keller sermon. It was the sermon he gave in memory 9/11, when the world changed as we knew it. I'm still looking for a way to send you the MP3 of the actual week after 9/11 sermon. To my knowledge, it remains the single best "week after 9/11 sermon" I'm aware of.

    Thank you for fighting and thank you for posting. It's a call to prayer and a call to fight.

    In Christ,
    Eddie

    TOLKIEN
    But Sam lay back, and stared with open mouth, and for a moment, between bewilderment and great joy, he could not answer. At last he gasped: “Gandalf! I thought you were dead! But then I thought I was dead myself. Is everything sad going to come untrue? What’s happened to the world?”

    “A great shadow has departed,” said Gandalf, and then he laughed, and the sound was like music, or like water in a parched land; and as he listened the thought came to Sam that he had not heard laughter, the pure sound of merriment, for days without count. It fell upon his ears like the echo of all the joys he had ever known. But he himself burst into tears. Then as a sweet rain will pass down a wind of spring and the sun will shine out the clearer, his tears ceased, and his laughter welled up, and laughing he sprang from bed… “How do I feel?” he cried.” Well, I don’t know how to say it. I feel, I feel” — he waved his arms in the air — “I feel like spring after winter, and sun on the leaves; and like trumpets and harps and all the songs I have ever heard!”

    SERVICE OF REMEMBRANCE AND PEACE
    FOR 9-11 VICTIMS’ FAMILIES
    Ground Zero/St Paul’s Chapel Tim Keller
    Sep 10, 2006

    I ran out of room, so I have to post the link!

    http://www.stevekmccoy.com/reformissionary/2006/09/tim_keller_911_.html

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  9. Psalm 116
    "I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.
    Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.
    The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me;
    I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
    The I called on the name of the Lord:
    "O Lord, save me!"
    The Lord is gracious and righteous;
    our God is full of compassion.
    The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.
    Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you."

    Kim and Peter, we continue to pray for you everyday.
    Love,
    Sonia

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  10. Thank you for sharing your journey Peter and Kim. I am so in awe of God's love for us and how he is shining through you in this trial. And, the sweet picture of the two of you from the 13th blesses my heart. Know that you are loved and in our thoughts and prayers.
    Tara

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  11. Hi, I'm a member at Onnuri English Ministry in Seoul, and I was moved to tears with your last post.. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us, and please know that we are all praying for you and your family.

    In Christ alone my hope is found,
    He is my light, my strength, my song;
    this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
    firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
    What heights of love, what depths of peace,
    when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
    My Comforter, my All in All,
    here in the love of Christ I stand.

    No guilt in life, no fear in death,
    This is the power of Christ in me;
    From life's first cry to final breath.
    Jesus commands my destiny.
    No power of hell, no scheme of man,
    Can ever pluck me from His hand;
    Till He returns or calls me home,
    Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

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  12. Song by Laura Story, "Blessings"
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

    We pray for blessings
    We pray for peace
    Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
    We pray for healing, for prosperity
    We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
    All the while, You hear each spoken need
    Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

    'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
    What if Your healing comes through tears
    What if a thousand sleepless nights
    Are what it takes to know You’re near
    What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

    We pray for wisdom
    Your voice to hear
    And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
    We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
    As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
    All the while, You hear each desperate plea
    And long that we'd have faith to believe

    'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
    What if Your healing comes through tears
    What if a thousand sleepless nights
    Are what it takes to know You’re near
    And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

    When friends betray us
    When darkness seems to win
    We know that pain reminds this heart
    That this is not, this is not our home
    It's not our home

    'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
    What if Your healing comes through tears
    And what if a thousand sleepless nights
    Are what it takes to know You’re near
    What if my greatest disappointments
    Or the aching of this life
    Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
    And what if trials of this life
    The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
    Are Your mercies in disguise

    Peter & Kim, we are praying for you and your family. We're so blessed, encouraged, and challenged by your faith in trust in our Lord. We really love this song and hope it can be an encouragement to you.
    Love, Steve & Cathy Hong.

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  13. Brother I am so encouraged to see your faith in God and love for Kim. While reading, when I heard your friend Sung showed I was filled with Joy for you and Kim. What a blessing to have brothers and sisters answer your needs without asking. God is so good and faithful.

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  14. 2 Chronicles 20:15-17

    15 He said: “Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. 16 Tomorrow march down against them. They will be climbing up by the Pass of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the gorge in the Desert of Jeruel. 17 You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.’”

    Peter & Kim, thank you for your amazing faith and courage. The Tan family joins in the many, many others who are praying for you. These verses are ones that have given me strength and comfort when I was afraid. I pray that they will do the same for you.

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  15. Dear Peter & Kim,
    Though it be like deep dark valley, may it also be a wet and fertile one.
    Makarioi!

    "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19

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  16. Kim and Peter, we're continuing to pray overseas. Reading your story, it just proves that nothing with God is impossible.

    This was our wedding verse which we want to share with you. It has been our reality many times over in the course of our lives.

    "Though the fig tree should not blossom
    And there be no fruit on the vines,
    Though the yield of the olive should fail
    And the fields produce no food
    Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
    And there be no cattle in the stalls,
    Yet I will exult in the Lord,
    I will rejoice in the God of my salvation."
    --Habakkuk 3:17-18

    May it minister to you as much as it has for us!

    Praying for you both.

    Love Thomas and Tina

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  17. Peter and Kim,
    You had always been great role models for me. I am praying for your family and for a miracle. I pray that you will beat this sickness and your souls will continue to be strengthened spiritually! This is just another trial in the bigger goal of receiving the prize. Thank you for sharing your struggles and blessings.

    Love in Jesus,
    Karen (Sing) Lin

    I Corinthians 9:24-27: 24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26 Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27 No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

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  18. Thank you for the update, Pete! We are encouraged by your faith. Kim, I am sending you an enormous hug right now! God is so good; even in the midst of unimaginably difficult circumstances, you can see His loving hand.
    Here is another verse posted on the wall in my brother's hospital room, and a verse that has been very encouraging to me over the years:
    Isaiah 41:10
    10 fear not, for I am with you;
    be not dismayed, for I am your God;
    I will strengthen you, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

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  19. Hey Peter,
    Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. A week ago I read your post in the facebook and was in tears. I said why God, why them? I see little bit of His answer after reading your journey. Keep up the good fight! We are praying for you… I’m going to share this with my church kids and we will be praying for the good news.

    Psalm 23
    The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

    Amen!
    -Mike Moon

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  20. Kim and Peter, we are praying for you and your beautiful family. These verses carried us through some difficult times when sol and his father were in the hospital prepping for liver transplant surgery and we were praying for healing.

    Luke 21:32
    32 But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

    James 1:12
     12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

    In Christ,
    Sol and Angela Bahng

     

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  21. Romans 8:15
    For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”

    Mark 14:36
    And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”

    Crying out to our Abba Father on your behalf. Much love to you all. The kids in the 1st grade class last night were so precious in their prayers for you! I am so grateful for a God who hears.

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  22. Peter I share your posts, reading out loud to Matt. Your words are nothing short of faith and I pray that Matt can see just what faith can do. When God's word go out, he fulfills his purpose and I have no doubt about the amount of lives yours and Kim's faith will have an impact on. As tears rolled, no gushed from my eyes reading this, all I could think was "why God? Kim is my definition of a wife of noble character, so kind and soft-spoken, why her?" I have no answers now, but I trust and believe God has a perfect plan in mind. Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts, know that we love you all and continue to pray without ceasing, proseuchomai adialeiptos!

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  23. Peter and Kim,

    This thought came to me this morning as I read your post and perhaps you have already taken care of this: Have you contacted the church in accordance to James 5:14-16? Just wanted to make sure that in the chaos and uncertainty this was covered. I think there's something very powerful in submitting to the authority of the local church where you are a member to have this done, especially as you are sensing the spiritual warfare aspect involved. I don't imagine for a moment that this illness is because of an unconfessed sin. I just want the enemy to be on notice that you will submit to God's authority in all things. Love you both. Praying continually.

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  24. Dear fellow Brother in Christ, we'll continue to pray for Lord to grace courage and strength upon both you and Kim.

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  25. Praying this for you right now:

    Psalm 42
    1 As a deer pants for flowing streams,
    so pants my soul for you, O God.
    2 My soul thirsts for God,
    for the living God.
    When shall I come and appear before God?[b]
    3 My tears have been my food
    day and night,
    while they say to me all the day long,
    “Where is your God?”
    4 These things I remember,
    as I pour out my soul:
    how I would go with the throng
    and lead them in procession to the house of God
    with glad shouts and songs of praise,
    a multitude keeping festival.

    5 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
    Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation[c] 6 and my God.

    My soul is cast down within me;
    therefore I remember you
    from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
    from Mount Mizar.
    7 Deep calls to deep
    at the roar of your waterfalls;
    all your breakers and your waves
    have gone over me.
    8 By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
    and at night his song is with me,
    a prayer to the God of my life.
    9 I say to God, my rock:
    “Why have you forgotten me?
    Why do I go mourning
    because of the oppression of the enemy?”
    10 As with a deadly wound in my bones,
    my adversaries taunt me,
    while they say to me all the day long,
    “Where is your God?”

    11 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
    Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation and my God.

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  26. Psalm 121

    A song of ascents.
    1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
    2 My help comes from the LORD,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

    3 He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
    4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

    5 The LORD watches over you—
    the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
    6 the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

    7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
    8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

    He does not sleep! This psalm comforts me as a mother because even when I need rest, the Lord never rests. Though you'd love to be home with your children, Kim, the Lord never takes a nap. So rest and recover knowing that the Lord is with your family. And you too Peter! As you need sleep now and then, the Lord will always be watching over Kim. Many are praying for you down here at CFC with love and faith.

    Carolyn Zimmer (Champaign, IL)

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  27. What does the Scripture say? "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness." - Romans 4:3.

    thanks be to God who leads us whether the sun is shining down on us or the road is marked with suffering. Peter, the journey you are going through with kim and your family have encouraged me and countless others. may the peace of Christ be with you and may you be strengthened with greater faith! - sam nam

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  28. Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

    O soul, are you weary and troubled? No light in the darkness you see?
    There's a light for a look at the Savior, and life more abundant and free!

    Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
    Look full in His wonderful face,
    And the things of earth will grow stangely dim,
    In the light of HIs glory and grace.

    Through death into life everlasting, He passed, and we follow him there;
    Over us sin no more hath dominion for more than conquerors we are!

    Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
    Look full in His wonderful face,
    And the things of earth will grow stangely dim,
    In the light of HIs glory and grace.

    Praying for you Peter and Kim.
    Julie

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  29. Hi Peter,
    Not sure if you remember me from college (maiden name was Yun Chung) but I have been praying for your wife and family! This is a verse that comforted me when my mom fought her cancer. I know it's not easy to see the ones we love go through suffering but hope you, Kim and your family will be filled with the peace that Jesus offers.

    John 14:27 Jesus says, "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

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  30. Psalms 1 — ESV
    1 Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
    2 but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.
    3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers.
    4 The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away.
    5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous;
    6 for the LORD knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.

    The sermon was on this last night. I thought of you Kim, you are a wonderful example the the tree planted by water. You bear His fruit as He nurtures you!
    You are blessed!

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  31. "I will never leave you." -Jesus

    Dear Kim and Peter,
    This is something you taught me, Kim, to teach to my children. When Jason was deployed, you were such an amazing friend to me as I tried to parent Micaela by myself (seriously, who agrees to lead a 4 year old birthday party when your friend gets sick!). When Micaela struggled with fear at night, you taught me to have her hold up her five little fingers and touch a finger for each word of God's promise to her - "I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU". May you be encouraged as you "remember your promise". Hold up your hand and claim it! Love you guys!
    Erica

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  32. Hi Peter and Kim,

    This is John and Kelly Kim from Calvary. Ever since we heard the news, we've been praying for you and your family. John's mom was diagnosed with large diffuse B cell lymphoma and went through cycles of R-CHOP and radiation and is currently in remission. Please let us know if we can help in any way.

    "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast." (1 Peter 5:10)

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  33. Thanks, Peter, for sharing so openly. Our prayers are with you; our God is with you.

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  34. Dear Peter and Kim,

    6 yrs. ago my husband was diagnosed with T-Cell Lymphoblastic Lymphoma, Stage 3. He had the almost the same course of treatment as you are having. He is alive and well, by God's grace and mercy, today! I am praying God will heal you completely and He will receive the glory and honor He is due!!! We attend Harvest RM and me, my husband, Jim and my daughter, Nichole will be praying for you! We used a website called Caringbridge.org to post from.

    In Christ,
    Debbie Goumas

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  35. Hello Peter and Kim,

    This is Sherman from RCC. Peter, even though we do not see eye to eye with baseball teams, we have the same father in heaven. I have been so encouraged by how strong you guys are.

    I want to let you know that my family is praying for you guys. I would like to share this passage from 2 Chronicles 20: 17.

    "You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem.’ Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed. Tomorrow go out against them, and the LORD will be with you.”

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  36. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  37. For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. (Psalm 27:5)

    I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations. (Jeremiah 1:5)

    Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20)

    These are the verses that I prayed with when my nephew was possibly diagnosed with a tumor in his leg. A week later, the tumor miraculously disappeared, and he came home completely clean and healed. I pray with the same kind of faith that God will do what is good in His time!

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  38. "I have loved you with an everlasting love...." (Jer 1:3)

    Dearest Kim and Peter,
    Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for posting your picture and letting us see your faces. Our hearts yearn to be near to you during this difficult time. We are so grateful to our Lord for sending Sung and Hannah to be by your side. Please know that we are also there right beside you in spirit. As we've been seeking the Lord on your behalf, the Lord keeps on comforting us with the assurance of how very, very much He loves you....and how very, very much we love you too. Please know that your brothers and sisters at the Rock are seeking the Lord day and night on your behalf and we will not stop until this trial has passed. Kim, we love you so much. The Changs, the Kims, the Baks, and the Lees will all be together tonight lifting you up in prayer. You're gonna get through this and I honestly can't wait for that first big hug I can give you when I see you next. I told Hannah to give you lots and lots of hugs from us. We won't stop praying..we promise.

    Love you so much, Jean and Eug

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  39. Kim, my family is praying for you and your family. May the Light of Jesus shine in and through you in that hospital room. May His Spirit minister to you.

    Ps 91
    1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

    2 I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

    3 For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.

    4 He will cover you with his pinions,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.

    5 You will not fear the terror of the night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,

    6 nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
    nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

    7 A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.

    8 You will only look with your eyes
    and see the recompense of the wicked.

    9 Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—the Most High, who is my refuge

    10 no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
    no plague come near your tent.

    11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways.

    12 On their hands they will bear you up,
    lest you strike your foot against a stone.

    13 You will tread on the lion and the adder;
    the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.

    14 “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name.

    15 When he calls to me, I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble;
    I will rescue him and honor him.

    16 With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

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  40. Peter, that's one of the best placed swears I've ever seen.

    Thanks for writing these posts. You're ministering to us through them.

    SG guys are meeting tonight. We'll miss you and of course, we got your back in prayer. A little more kick to Mr. Lymphoma's ass!

    Verses for you, bro...

    Psalm 139:11-14
    If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

    Philippians 4:19
    And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

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  41. From the words of Chris Tomlin...
    "Into the darkness you shine. Out of the ashes we rise. There is none like you. None like you.

    Our God is greater. Our God is stronger.
    God you are higher than any other.

    Our God is Healer. Awesome in power.
    Our God. Our God."

    God is greater than lymphoma and you guys can beat it. Always praying for you guys.

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  42. Hey Peter and Kim,

    We sang this song at church today. I sing it to you now. ;)

    Faithful one, so unchanging
    Ageless one, you're my rock of peace
    Lord of all I depend on you
    I call out to you, again and again
    I call out to you, again and again

    You are my rock in times of trouble
    you lift me up when I fall down
    All through the storm
    Your love is, the anchor
    My hope is in You alone

    Praying for you guys!!!

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  43. Not For A Moment
    Meredith Andrews, Mia Fieldes

    You were reaching through the storm
    Walking on the water
    Even when I could not see
    In the middle of it all
    When I thought You were a thousand miles away
    Not for a moment did You forsake me
    Not for a moment did You forsake me

    after all, You are constant
    After all, You are only good
    And After all, You are Sovereign
    Not for a moment will You forsake me
    Not for a moment will You forsake me

    You were singing in the dark
    Whispering Your promise
    Even when I could not hear
    I was held in Your arms
    Carried for a thousand miles to show
    Not for a moment did You forsake me
    Not for a moment did You forsake me

    Every step, every breath You are there
    Every tear, every cry Every prayer
    In my hurt, at my worst
    When my world falls down
    Not for a moment will You forsake me
    Not for a moment will You forsake me

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  44. From Christina's friend Nicole (Sunyoung) and Glenn:


    Dear Kim and Peter,

    We have not stopped praying for you and your family. We are so blessed by your faith and strength! I want to share 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

    "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."

    These were the verses that my mom lived by since she became a christian. She faithfully served the Lord, fought the good fight (including surgeries/chemo/radition therapy to fight cancer! God helped her through them all), and she is now in heaven resting and rejoicing. No one/no disease could have taken her away from God's love and protection.

    Kim, you can do it! Everyone is rooting for you and your family. It is already evident that God is using you and blessing so many around you (including us!). God will provide you with all the strength- just the right amount- to get through it all! So rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

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  45. I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
    I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom.
    But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
    his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
    They're created new every morning.
    How great your faithfulness!
    I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).

    He's all I've got left.

    25-27 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
    to the woman who diligently seeks.
    It's a good thing to quietly hope,
    quietly hope for help from God.
    It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times.
    28-30 When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
    Wait for hope to appear.
    Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst.
    31-33 Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
    He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way: 34-36 Stomping down hard on luckless prisoners,
    Refusing justice to victims
    in the court of High God, tampering with evidence— the Master does not approve of such things.
    Lamentations 3:19-36 (the Message)

    Praying for strength and peace that could only possible come from our Savior. Love you, dear friends.

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  46. Kim and Peter,

    Thank you for sharing. Your testimonies are truly amazing and encouraging for all who hear. We are praying with you!

    Jong and Janet Park

    "My child, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Do not let them escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh."
    Proverbs 4:20-22

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  47. i've been reading your updates regularly now and i'm so amazed by your love for Kim and God's love for your family. who knows what God's plans are exactly and what it is He wants to accomplish through this suffering, but for me personally, your family's testimony has awaken me and brought me back to prayer. I am sure that your prayer requests and testimony are bringing many others who have been far from God back to Him. Though I don't know Kim personally, I am brought to tears thinking of her -- what an amazing warrior she is and what an encouragement your family has been to me. Your suffering is not in vain. I will continue to lift your family in prayer.

    Today at church, we sang a worship song and immediately i thought of Kim and your family. Peter, I know you are musically gifted and thought it would be nice to share with kim:
    Lyrics to He Will Come And Save You:
    Say to those who are fearful hearted
    Do not be afraid
    The Lord your God will come
    And with His mighty arm
    When you call on His Name
    He will come and save you

    Chorus:
    He will come and save you
    He will come and save you
    Say to the weary one
    Your God will surely come
    He will come and save you
    He will come and save you
    Lift up your eyes to Him
    You will arise again
    He will come and save you

    Say those who are broken hearted
    Do not lose your faith
    The Lord your God will come
    And with His loving hand
    When you call on His Name
    He will surely come

    (Chorus)

    Bridge:
    He is our refuge in the day of trouble
    He is our shelter in the time of storm
    He is our tower in the day of sorrow
    Our fortress in the time of war

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  48. Thank you for sharing your journey. May the Lord continue to bless you with His peace through each moment.

    Psalm 62:5-8
    New American Standard Bible (NASB)


    5 My soul, wait in silence for God only,
    For my hope is from Him.
    6 He only is my rock and my salvation,
    My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
    7 On God my salvation and my glory rest;
    The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
    8 Trust in Him at all times, O people;
    Pour out your heart before Him;
    God is a refuge for us.
    Selah.

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  49. 2 Corinthians 12:9
    "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

    I cannot describe how much the faith, courage, strength and peace that God has blessed you both with has encouraged me in my own understanding of who God is. As I read all these verses and passages from God's Word that others have shared, I cannot help but be in awe of how wonderful, powerful, loving and awesome our God truly is!

    Love you guys,
    Neely

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  50. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8AldFxTyMM

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  51. Today I was praying for you when I heard these two songs. Both of these songs have similar lyrics that remind us that the Lord never lets go of us. He is right there with us through every storm and trial in life, and I pray that you continue to feel God's presence and peace as you walk through this difficult time. David Crowder writes:
    "When clouds veil sun
    And disaster comes
    Oh, my soul
    Oh, my soul
    When waters rise
    And hope takes flight
    Oh, my soul
    Oh, my soul
    Oh, my soul

    Ever faithful
    Ever true
    You I know
    You never let go
    You never let go
    You never let go
    You never let go."

    Matt Redman writes:
    Oh no, You never let go
    Through the calm and through the storm
    Oh no, You never let go
    In every high and every low
    Oh no, You never let go
    Lord, You never let go of me

    And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
    A glorious light beyond all compare
    And there will be an end to these troubles
    But until that day comes
    We'll live to know You here on the earth.

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  52. 2thess 2:15-17
     15 So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold fast to the teachings[a] we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter.

     16 May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, 17 encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.

    Wow....your entry brought me to tears.... I am so encouraged by your steadfast faith during this ridiculously hard time. Thank you for demonstrating an amazing example of true faith...truly in tough times is when what you are made of is really tested and you guys have shown that God is your rock. Praying for all of you!! Keep fighting!
    Elvira

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  53. Peter, Thank you for sharing these details w/us, your brothers and sisters-the strength you both draw from the Lord is a powerful inspiration, my son and I are praying for you and your family...I AM is truly in control. May you continue to be fulfilled by His grace and peace.

    These 2 verses are woven together in my heart & bring me much peace.

    Ex 3:14 Then God said to Moses, "I AM who I AM. When you go to the people of Israel, tell them, 'I AM sent me to you.' "

    Is 41:10 So don't worry, because I am with you. Don't be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you.

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  54. Kim and Peter,
    It is such a privilege for us to journey in prayer through this time with you. Thank you for your updates and blessed blogs. Please know that we Chos in Bkk are praying for you. Dearest Kim, Peter said it perfectly when he said that your inner beauty is just as great and greater than your outer beauty.
    This morning I shared pictures of you and the family with our 3 younger ones (Abigail has been reading your blog posts with me). I told the boys how pretty Auntie Kim is and how sick you are and how we need to pray for you, and Stephen said, "Oooh, she is pretty!" :)
    For our morning devotionals, I had them each pick a verse to share with you after I shared what Peter had said about how Gods Word has brought so much comfort to Kim. Here is what they wanted to share with Auntie Kim:

    Christopher (5) - "I don't know." :P
    Stephen (7) - "As the woman got closer to Jesus, she reached out and touched him. She was healed at that moment!" - The Beginner's Bible p. 345
    Deborah (9) - "Be of good cheer..." Acts 27:22a
    Abigail (12) - "Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise." Jer. 17:14
    Natalie (29 :D) -
    "Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me;
    Let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place where you dwell. Then will I go to the altar of God,to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, o God, my God. Why are you downcast , O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Ps 43:3-5

    May Immanuel give you both immeasurable comfort and hope. We are praying for you all! With you in prayer on the other side of the world....Milo, Natalie, Abigail, Deborah, Stephen, and christopher. Xoxoxo

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  55. Hi Peter and Kim! My China team is praying for you both and your three children!

    Kim...

    May the LORD bless you and protect you. May the LORD smile on you and be gracious to you. May the LORD show you his favor and give you his peace.

    (Numbers 6:24-26)

    In His grace,
    Young

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  56. Peter & Kim -

    It's been a long time since we've even seen each other, probably not since our college days. In any case, I am so encouraged to see your faith in the middle of such a tough situation. Despite the years, your faith sounds as vibrant as when we were younger. Peter, your prayers are impactful, not just for Kim but even for us as partners and fellow believers. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. Know you're not fighting alone; God is ever-present, and the connections of His people run deep.

    "For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

    Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

    - Ephesians 3:14-21

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  57. Thank you for sharing during this difficult time. I am truly blessed and encouraged by your testimony.
    As I was reading your most recent entry, I was reminded of this song...

    In his time, in his time.
    He makes all things beautiful
    In his time.

    Lord please show me everyday,
    As you're teaching me your way.
    That you do just what you say
    In your time

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  58. Sobbing. I ache to see you. Although right now I'm thousands of miles away and when I'm back home and less than ten miles away, you and Peter are in my heart and mind constantly. However, I will continue to restrain myself from asking for a visit. H & J & I cried out together to the Lord after reading this post. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 came to us. "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Really? Okay. I will obey. 1 Thessalonians 5: 12-13. "Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work." You're amazing Kim. I hold you in the highest regard. Thank you. I love you so much. I put my trust in our Lord who knows what He's doing. LC

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  59. hi peter & kim,

    paul and i have been so encouraged and blessed to see you both draw strength from the Lord during this difficult time.

    "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."
    2 Corinthians 1:3-11

    We will pray for you both that -

    1. in your suffering, you will remember that God is "the Father of compassion and God of all comfort." (v.3)

    2. God will use you as channels of blessings to others. there is a purpose in everything you're going through. He is using you both in mighty ways. (v. 4-7)

    3. He will help you to persevere and enable you to rely solely on Him during this trial in your life. (v. 9-11)

    guys, "wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."
    Psalm 27:14

    we love you both and are always praying for you.

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  60. Isaiah 40

    We sang this in church today:

    STRONGER

    There is Love
    That came for us
    Humbled to a sinners cross
    You broke my shame and sinfulness
    You rose again victorious

    Faithfulness none can deny
    Through the storm
    And through the fire
    There is truth that sets me free
    Jesus Christ who lives in me

    You are stronger
    You are stronger
    Sin is broken
    You have saved me
    It is written
    Christ is risen
    Jesus You are Lord of all

    No beginning and no end
    You're my hope and my defense
    You came to seek and save the lost
    You paid it all upon the cross

    So let Your Name be lifted higher
    Be lifted higher
    Be lifted higher

    Thank you so much for your updates that has become such a blessing. Praying for Kim and the family.

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  61. "Underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:27

    peter and kim--lean on the everlasting arms of our God; His promises cannot fail; He cannot make a mistake.

    praying earnestly for kim's complete healing and recovery and that the Lord Jesus with much gentleness and power will guard your hearts against those particular spiritual temptations that sorely assault us in times of trial.

    with love from
    pastor james and dulla yoo

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  62. Peter & Kim,
    Words cannot express the sorrow and grief I share with you in your journey through cancer... yet I am also filled with resilient faith in our almighty God as He has strengthened you through some dark moments indeed. May our risen Christ continue to strengthen you by His Spirit through the Word of God (our sword!) Prayers and blessings to you and your family. Hugs! - Patty Yang

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  63. You have recorded my troubles
    You have kept a list of my tears
    Aren't they in your records?

    On the day I call for help,
    my enemies (Mr. Lymphoma!) will be defeated.
    I know that God is on my side...

    because you have saved me from death
    you have kept me from being defeated
    So I will walk with God in light among the living.

    Psalm 56: 8, 9, 13

    Hi Peter & Kim...
    After asking "Why" and hearing "so that the glory of God will be revealed" last Sunday, I have been thinking about God's glory, what it means, how to protect and yearn for it. Initially, all I could pray was "Please, please please just heal her." I'm thankful that God is teaching us all to pray for His glory before all else. These verses above remind me that God loves us so much, He knows and records all of our tears - and we will walk with Him in light! among the living!

    The other passage that I've been struck with is Hannah's prayer when she becomes pregnant with Samuel...

    'You send death and you bring life. You send people to their graves and raise them up again." In her moment of joy - she got what she has been yearning and crying for - she recognizes that God is both the *sender* of death and the *bringer* of life.

    Finally...I've been taking strength in the Wesleyan Covenant:
    "I am no longer mine, but my own. Put me to what thou wilt, rank me with whom thou wilt. Put me to doing, put me to suffering. Let me be full, let me be empty. Let me have all things, let me have nothing. I freely and heartily yield all things for Thy pleasure and disposal. So be it. Now most blessed and glorious God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit - Thou art mine, and I am thine. The covenant that I have made on earth - let it be ratified in heaven. Amen."

    Love you guys, praying for you, am so blessed and encouraged and strengthened by you!

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  64. Psalm 139

    1 O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
    2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
    3 You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
    4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
    5 You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
    6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

    7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
    8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
    9 If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
    10 even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
    11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
    12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

    13 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
    14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
    Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
    15 My frame was not hidden from you,
    when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
    16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
    in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

    17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
    18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.

    19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
    O men of blood, depart from me!
    20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
    your enemies take your name in vain.[b]
    21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
    22 I hate them with complete hatred;
    I count them my enemies.

    23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!
    24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!


    vv. 23-24 came to mind, as i was praying for your treatment and healing.... As the doctors and the drugs seek out the cancer and eradicate it (!!!), that God would guide their hands and the course of the drugs, as He knows every fiber of your being. He is the One who knit and formed you into existence, and if He is able to search and know our souls, this despicable disease is as good as gone!!

    Thank you so much for your witness through the toughest season of your lives!! The grace and strength God is pouring on you, which you both are accepting in faith, are a testament not only to His love, but also of your desire to love and live for Him. Keep fighting this thing, as we fight alongside you in prayer!!!

    love and miss you!!!

    on our knees,

    bernie, yoojin, ashley, ella, colin

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  65. "The righteous cry, and the LORD hears And delivers them out of all their troubles." Psalm 34:17

    We love you guys!
    Eug and Jean

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  66. My Face is shining upon you, beaming out Peace that transcends understanding. You are surrounded by a sea of problems, but you are face to Face with Me, your Peace. As long as you focus on Me, you are safe. If you gaze too long at the myriad problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens. When you start to sink, simply call out “Help me, Jesus!” and I will lift you up.

    The cl...oser you live to Me, the safer you are. Circumstances around you are undulating, and there are treacherous-looking waves in the distance. Fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes. By the time those waves reach you, they will have shrunk to proportions of My design. I am always beside you, helping you face today’s waves. The future is a phantom, seeking to spook you. Laugh at the future! Stay close to Me.

    And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
    —Philippians 4:7

    Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
    —Matthew 14:30

    Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. - http://bit.ly/eF5kSq

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  67. Dear Kim & Peter,

    Thanks for all of your updates. Our family is praying for you nonstop. We love you!

    Sorry this is so long, but I've included a short essay from the book A GODWARD LIFE by John Piper. I had to break it into two comments because it was so long. It has always been a source of comfort & encouragement to me since I first read it many years ago. May it be moreso for you as you face many difficult days ahead of you...

    God Was Up All Night
    From: A Godward Life by John Piper

    “He will not let your foot slip—,
    He who watches over you will not slumber.”
    Psalm 121:3

    The worship team & prayer teams gathered around me & prayed for me before I preached. Our worship leader remarked that God was up all night working on this service & the people who would be there—including me. He thanked the Lord for this & praised Him for His unwearying work on our behalf.
    O what a truth this is! For every Christian. Let me encourage you with it. Ps 121:2-3 says it plainly: “My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven & earth. He will not let your foot slip—He who watches over you will not slumber.” The One who helps you never sleeps. He stays up all night, every night. Do you need help? I do. Where do you look for help? When the psalmist lifted up his eyes to the hills & asked, “From where does my help come?” he answered, “My help comes from the LORD”—not from the hills, but from the God who made the hills. So he reminded himself of two great truths: One is that God is a mighty Creator over all the problems of life; the other is that God never sleeps.
    God is a tireless worker. Think of God as a worker in your life. Yes, it is amazing. We are prone to think of ourselves as workers in God’s life. But the Bible wants us first to be amazed that God is a worker in our lives: “Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides You, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him” (Isa 64:4, NIV).
    God is working for us around the clock. He does not take days off, & He does not sleep. In fact, He is so eager to work for us that He goes around looking for more work to do for people who will trust Him. “The eyes of the LORD run to & fro throughout the whole earth, to show His might in behalf of those whose heart is whole toward Him” (2 Chr 16:9, RSV).

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  68. ("God Was Up All Night", cont.)

    God loves to show His tireless power & wisdom & goodness by working for people who trust Him. Jesus Himself is the clearest revelation of this truth: “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, & to give His life as a ransom for many” (Mk 10:45, NIV). Jesus works for His followers. He serves them. This is a revelation of the way God is.
    He worked for us when He was on the earth, & He keeps on working now that He is risen & reigning with the Father in heaven. Paul experienced this in a powerful way: “I will not venture to speak of anything except what Christ has accomplished through me in leading the Gentiles to obey God by what I have said & done” (Rom 15:18, NIV). Christ worked for Paul all his life. At the very end of his life, in his last letter, he said, “But the LORD stood at my side & gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed & all the Gentiles might hear it…” (2 Tim 4:17, NIV). Through all his life Paul could say, “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength” (Php 4:13, NIV). Jesus is the great worker, the great strength-giver.
    The eagerness of God to work for us is astonishing. His eyes are running to & fro, looking for opportunities to work for people who trust Him (2 Chr 16:9). He is pursuing us with goodness & mercy all our days (Ps 23:6, literally “pursue” not just “follow”). He is not just waiting for us to get His help; He is seeking ways to give us help. He is doing this with overflowing eagerness. “I will not turn away from doing good to them; & I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me. I will rejoice in doing them good…with all my heart & all my soul” (Jer 32: 40-41, RSV).
    No wonder He stays up all night! With all His heart & with all His soul He works for those who wait for Him & trust Him. This is what we must believe—really believe—in order to rejoice always (Philippians 4:4) & give thanks for everything (Eph 5:20) & have the peace that passes understandng (Php 4:7) & be anxious for nothing (Php 4:6) & hate our lives in this world (Jn 12:25) & love our neighbor as we love ourselves (Mt 22:39).
    What a truth! What a reality! God is up all night & all day to work for those who wait for Him.

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  69. Kim and Peter,

    Our family and New Life Church are praying with urgency and fervency for you and your family.

    Praise God that He is never-changing, forever-loving, and eternally-faithful...He is the Great I AM!

    Exodus 3:13-14
    13 Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”

    14 God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.[c] This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’”

    With the love of Him,

    Yun, Jean, Caleb, and Abigail

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  70. John Lee (from Rock Community Church)January 16, 2012 at 4:15 PM

    Hi Peter, It's John from up in Toronto.

    As you know, the board members at our church preside on Sundays and share a brief testimonial. It was my turn on this past Sunday (15th) and all week I was planning to share Luke 9:23 (cost of discipleship) and James 1:2 (enduring trials).

    Any time that I speak on Sundays, I'm ALWAYS up very late (if I'm actually giving the sermon, I don't sleep at all...) and this week was no different. At about 3:30am, I happened to read your post from Saturday - and I was deeply moved.

    As I thought about my own drama-free, trial-free, suffering-free life, all of a sudden my meditation on the cost of discipleship and "suffering" trials seemed trite and inadequate. I though a lot about what I could say, or do, or offer that could do anything to help you. I found that even in my prayer for you, there was nothing that would be sufficient...

    As I silently wept for several minutes the Holy Spirit brought to rememberence Romans 8:28. I started reading from verse 1.

    In the end, I didn't decide to share any "meditation" on Sunday and instead I simply asked the congregation to close their eyes and meditate as I read the following (Romans 8:26-39):

    In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the [fn]saints according to the will of God. And we know that [fn]God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren; and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was [fn]raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of [fn]Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, "FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG; WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED." But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

    In our fallen-ness, we do not even know how to pray (how to ask for help); BUT NEVER FORGET THIS PETER: Jesus is at the right-hand of the throne and He Himself is praying for you; the Holy Spirit (who created the universe) is also praying for you in a language & intensity & fervency that is beyond words and our ability to even comprehend.

    I'd say that's a prayer group with some real POWER...

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  71. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  72. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. -Psalm 27:4

    Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. -Psalm 30:5

    Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him. -Psalm 126:5-6


    Psalm 34


    Kim and Peter, I have wept with you as I read of your pain and heartache. And yet I am moved beyond words by your faith, and the goodness of our God. You are regularly on my mind and in my prayers. I have asked friends to pray for you too. Praying for healing and great rejoicing that will eclipse all darkness and sorrow into the distant past. Praying God's deep love will cover you both, and that His presence will be closer than ever.

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  73. Jesus, Savior, pilot me
    Over life's tempestuous sea
    Unknown waves before me roll
    Hiding rock and treacherous shoal
    Chart and compass come from Thee
    Savior, pilot me

    As a mother stills her child
    Thou can'st hush the ocean wild
    Boisterous waves obey Thy will
    When Thou sayest to them,"Be still!"
    Wondrous Sovereign of the sea
    Savior, pilot me

    When at last I near the shore
    And the fearful breakers roar
    Twixt me and the peaceful rest
    Then, while leaning on Thy breast
    May I hear Thee say to me
    "I will pilot thee."

    Know that our Savior, our Rock, our Redeemer is piloting your course! I love you guys and am DAILY praying for you!

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  74. Do you know Him....that's my King!

    http://www.ignitermedia.com/mini-movies/4/Thats-My-King

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  75. Hello Peter,
    You don't know me but I am a friend of Tammy Suh Meinershagen. She posted your blog on FB. I am blown away at how God has already shone his glory through you & Kim. Your godly perspective is amazing and I'm sure inspiring many to deepen their faith!
    I just recently started a bible study based on the Psalms of Ascent and although Psalm 84 isn't one of them, the author emphasizes the importance of knowing we are all on a pilgrimage, moving from strength to strength if we fix our eyes on Christ.
    Psalm 84:5-7 "Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength til each appears before God in Zion."
    I count it a privilege to pray for you and your family.
    In Christ,
    Rebecca Sehnert

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  76. Hello Kim and Peter!
    It's Kate, RN! I have to say, it has taken courage for me to sit and write exactly how I feel after reading the blog. First, I feel honored that you would allow me to continue this journey with you. Truly, everyone that your family has had the great pleasure to interact with at NCH have come together and we discuss you and your family and the latest details and lament together. In my nine years of nursing, I have not been touched or moved so deeply as I have been by your family's strength and courage. I have seen many people unfairly battle cancer in my years as an RN, but none so brave and so embracing as you and yours. It truly has made me think so much about life and the bonds of family.

    Kim- Your unwavering courage and positive outlook in the darkest of times is daunting. It has brought a brightness to my heart as I sit here and write you. I know this in my heart and soul, cancer versus a woman as amazing and brave as you never had a chance. I believe you are right, everything does happen for a reason. I'm so thankful to have met you so that I can bring this positive experience to my practice as an RN and to my practice as a human being. YOU ROCK, GIRL!!!

    Peter- You ARE a rock. I have seen sickness and disease devastate families and spouses. Almost as if the cancer was poisoning them, too. People falter, people fail each other. Not you. You are strong in ways I'm sure you didn't realize. Having cancer is one thing, watching the person you love most deal with it, is a totally different experience. You and Kim bring love and light to the world. Thank you for including me in this amazing journey.

    As I told you previously, I am not a religious person per se. I am spiritual, in my own way. I rely heavily on the love of my family and friends, you have showed me the true meaning of faith.

    "Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all."
    ~Emily Dickinson

    All my best,
    Kate Gates, RN (your humble nurse)

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