Seeing Jesus in a Bug's Life

enjoying the view from the Castlewood State Park

Kim and I slipped away for a little hike at a state park in St. Louis last week and we were treated to a few close encounters of some of creation's finest: a deer, a hummingbird and a large beetle. A large beetle you say? Yes, that was the most beautiful sight to me. In order to understand you'll have to watch the video below and read on.

Something sideswiped this little guy and when we found him he was lying flat on his back - all six of his little black legs helplessly swiping air as he desperately tried to get back on his feet again. He looked pretty vulnerable and pathetic as it was obvious there was no way he was going to resume his life without some supernatural intervention.


Enter me and my stick. It didn't take long for me to turn him over but I wonder how long it took him to realize how weak he was and that he needed help.

A Separate Peace

No less than six hours after we got news that Kim's cancer was in full remission, we also heard from another couple we know  that has been fighting a different cancer (pancreatic) and for much longer than we have (three years!). The situation is dire right now and the doctor's prognosis is grim, but we're praying for a miracle. Our hearts are heavy for him and his loved ones. Please see a post from his wife HERE and brief excerpt we read yesterday below. If you would be so kind please lift Rich and Jeannie and their beautiful family up in faithful prayers of faith: 

"Rich was in bad shape when we got to the hospital this afternoon. Our doctor was tearing while he talked to us in the conference room. He really does care about Rich and doesn't want to give us false hope. He said he didn't need a scan to see that the cancer had gotten worse- jaundiced, skin and bones, unfocused. He didn't want to subject Rich to any more discomfort. Said he would set Rich up in a room with IV fluids and that he would not be surprised if Rich passed away tonight. I cried a lot. Rich's sugar level was at a 37, so they gave him a glucose "push" through the IV. Do you know, God is a surprising God? After Rich got set up in his room, her became more alert and asked for something to eat!!! You don't know how incredible that is if you haven't been living with him. He had some grape juice and a water ice and looked like he was having manna- not far from the truth if you ask me. I cried again just from the joy of seeing sparks of life again. God is turning me into a crybaby cuz I was just too proud to cry before. He's resting comfortably now, and I have new energy to keep praying and hoping and rejoicing. Our doctor did say that people that want to visit Rich should do so soon, but I pray for a more God-glorifying outcome. It's still an uphill battle, but let's keep crying out to God. I'll keep you all updated."

'Twas the Night Before Cancer...

Well, here we sit on the eve of “C-Day”. Tomorrow we head back to University of Chicago to see if the cancer is gone. We've been waiting 84 (sometimes crazy) days for this defining moment. Typically after four rounds of chemotherapy the cancer is hoped to be eradicated. If nothing shows up on the PET scan then the protocol is to run two more rounds just to make sure they get everything even the scan may not see. If the cancer remains then it’s time to reset the plan and consider more aggressive out of the box treatments like a bone marrow transplant. (By the way if you haven’t registered yet – what is you waiting for? Please register HERE!)

To be honest, Kim and I are dreading the thought of two more rounds of chemo let alone doing much more than that. That said we are trying to get to a place of accepting the Lord’s will for us – whatever that may be. Of course, we are praying that the cancer is gone and we pray that it never appears again. But we know it’s not about “our will in heaven” but “His will on earth”. 

I spent much of early this morning looking at one our favorite posts on this blog. When the cancer first hit many of you left in the comments sections verses the Lord gave you in your darkest moments in life and the moving stories behind it. It is ministering to us in ways you will never know.

In that same vein, we received a card from a friend last week who has a daughter that is dealing with a serious health issue that really spoke to us. In it she wrote:

Why This Blog is Called "Seeing Jesus in Everything"

KIM UPDATE: We are headed back to the hospital for Round 4 later today. This round is key because after it is complete we will have a PET scan done to see if the cancer is gone. If nothing shows up on the scan then we will do two more rounds – just to make sure that even what may not be seen is destroyed. Cancer has the potential to mutate and reappear if it is not completely wiped out – so we have no choice but to show it NO MERCY and KICK IT'S A*S! Please pray with us that the cancer would be wiped clean this round. Please pray that Kim would not experience the spinal tap headaches and wrenching back pain we had in the last round. Lastly, please pray that the Lord would continue to grant a profound sense of His nearness and that He would show Himself strong in our lives regardless of the results or outcome.
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hiking the Waihee Ridge Trail on our 10 year anniversary

As many of you know, when Kim and I went to the ER early on Sat, January 7th we didn’t realize how sick she was. I immediately started sending email updates/prayer requests to many of our friends but within a few days it started to get out of control. There were too many people on my distribution lists and Google shut down my account because they declared me guilty of spamming (without due process even!). At the suggestion of a couple friends I moved everything to this blog on Wed, January 11th. I had no idea it would attract so many people, but we are so thankful for everyone that has served us by praying for Kim and our family (along with Andrew and Connor!).

Kim and I have pondered on a couple occasions “What if our roles were reversed?” and I was the one with cancer and she was forced to write and share prayer requests. Well, we concluded this blog wouldn’t exist because she doesn’t think she could write it and I’m convinced we wouldn't need it because she could just pick up the phone and call all 9 of my friends. (just kidding…sort of)

Anyways, I mention all this because when I set up the blog I had to come up with a URL address. I didn’t have much time to think about it and I considered generic ones like “prayersforkim.com” or something similar, but I quickly settled on “seeingjesusineverything”. I know it sounds a bit weird, for a website designed to solicit prayers for someone with cancer but over the course of the past year I felt the Lord was helping me to “see Jesus in everything” – whether it was in His Word, in His creation, in our circumstances – even in suffering.

Moments of Grace

"All moments are key moments and life itself is grace." -Frederick Beuchner (HT: Dawn H.) 

Yesterday temperatures soared to nearly 70 degrees. This is very unusual in early March for people who live in Chicago. Although Kim is still feeling physically weak and is neutropenic getting outside is okay as long as there aren't lots of people around. So we found a secluded park near our home and had some unscheduled "family time". 

When you realize that a new day is never promised to you  - you quickly learn to savor the small moments each day has to offer. The little things you used to take for granted become big gifts from God....

The presence of sunshine. 

The absence of pain. 

The laughter of children. 

The breeze on your face. 

All gifts of grace from the Giver of every good and perfect gift. (James 1:17)

Leaning...

mommy is craving "dduk" these days...

I've been doing some sober reflection this morning and I've realized that over the last few days I've strayed from the original purpose of this blog - which is to share prayer requests for my wife and to also share what the Lord has been teaching us in and through this trial - for His glory.  I'm not a theologian (nor do I play one on t.v.) and so I'm going to try not to opine on topics I know little about (e.g. racism).  I'll keep posting about our "love story" but that will probably be the extent of my attempts at comedy.

That said, Kim and I are about to head out to get her Nuelasta shot now. This one has caused her problems and so your prayers would be appreciated. She is still having significant headaches when upright due to the spinal tap. It's been a tough few days. To be honest, sometimes I pray for healing - but then the Lord reminds me that physical healing is not even what we ultimately need - but a deeper sense of Jesus and His presence in our lives.

The Gentle Healer

KIM UPDATE

T's suffocating off-the-ball defense

To be honest, it's been a difficult weekend at the hospital. Round 3 has been the toughest so far (outside of the Rituxan reaction in Round 1). The methotrexate given via spinal tap has forced Kim to stay horizontal all weekend otherwise she gets bad headaches and she's lost 3 pounds as she's not eating well. We've tried Vicodin without much success. We're trying a new pain med Fioricet which we're praying works better - please pray with us. We will probably be discharged tomorrow morning and we're hoping that she can at least sit up and walk around by then for the sake of the kids. I've posted a couple photos of the kids that Kim's younger sister (Christina) emailed us that made us smile. You don't realize how much you take for granted until you're away from them and we're learning to treasure the "little moments" in life as gifts from God.
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The Best Birthday Present Ever

Back when we both had hair... ;)

Today is Kim's birthday. I'd have to say there were a couple times this year that I didn't think we'd be celebrating this day together. I have stood in the furnace of a few fires in my lifetime but none were as hot as the two separate moments when you think your wife is about to leave you and your three children.

None.

Since then I've told just about every married couple I've run across that every spouse should go through a "sacred moment" like that. Yes, It's difficult. Yes, it's excruciating. But it truly is a gift from God.

I never shared this on my original blog post but the first time I thought Kim had died (Jan 8th) I was at home putting the kids down for bed when a nurse called me crying (see HERE). She could barely get the words out but managed to choke out between her tears, "You need to come to the hospital - right now." You'd be surprised at how many thoughts can race through your head in just 20 minutes. One of the biggest things I wrestled with during that long drive was what would my last words to her be? If she was breathing her last what would I want to leave her with? Many different phrases and cliches came to mind - and although I hated that I had to even think of what I would have to say - the Lord gave me three words.

The Reason for Our Hope (Part 3)

This post is the final one (of three) that summarizes "the reason for the hope that we have". It's the one post we hope you read and share on this entire blog as it is the reason for everything else - and so I'm also placing all 3 posts and video below under a new page above called "Our Living Hope". Please feel free to pass it along to whomever you wish.
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THE BIGGEST QUESTION OF ALL

As I mentioned earlier, many of us seek answers to life's little questions and until a moment of personal crisis we ignore life's BIG questions. However, I believe before we can find answers to life's BIG questions there is one singular question that transcends them all. And that question is:

"Who do you say Jesus is?"

Jesus asked this all-important question to his disciples (Mt 16:13-17), and I believe this is the BIGGEST question we will ever have to answer. Is he just a man? Is he a good, moral teacher? Is he a prophet? Is he a phony? Is he a lunatic? Is he a liar? (HT: C.S. Lewis) Who or what is he? The funny thing is your answer to this question will profoundly impact all the other questions (BIG and small) you have in your life. 

Paul tells us that....

"He is the image of the invisible God..." Colossians 1:15a

The Reason For Our Hope (Part 2)

This post is a continuation from yesterday's which explains to anyone who is wondering where we find the hope that we have. If there is one post you read or share - let it be this one. If you missed Part 1 you can read it HERE. Final post (Part 3) to come tomorrow...
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ALL PATHS LEAD TO GOD?
Many people in today's day and age will tell you that all faiths are equal and that all religions lead to the same God. (see the blind man and the elephant, the wheel with many spokes, and the "we're all climbing the same mountain" analogies). Don't get me wrong, I am not here to disrespect other faiths or religions (I have many good friends of various faiths and I love them dearly), but as much as I have tried, I could not reconcile this "all paths lead to God" claim with what was being taught within the religions themselves. If you did an honest study of every religion you will find that they all make their own unique truth claims and they all have major differences in regards to life's "biggest questions" on origin, identity, meaning, destiny and especially salvation. So it's not only illogical but it's disingenuous to claim that they are all one in the same. (On a side note: Aren't making the absolute claims that "all paths lead to God" and "there are no absolutes" self-refuting statements and despite the appearance of "tolerance" doesn't it inherently assume an exclusive and more enlightened view over other views - which is the very thing people who make these claims accuse others of?) I won't get into all the details of the major differences here, nor am I trying to create a nasty forum which pits one religion against another. (Please don't leave comments of this nature). This is just a humble invitation to get serious about your own spiritual journey or faith walk, or whatever you wish to call it and to seek the answers to life's biggest questions with all your heart, mind, soul and strength before your heart, mind, soul and strength are taken from you. Life is too short, and it's only a matter of time before you are forced to confront these BIG questions in the midst of your own great personal crisis (if you are even given the opportunity of deep self-reflection) so you might as well start now.

The Reason For Our Hope (Part 1)

If there is one post in this entire blog that I hope you read in it's entirety - I hope it's this one (over 3 parts). If there is one post you share with anyone - I hope it's this one. This is the inspiration and impetus for every other post written on this blog, and I would be ok if every other post is forgotten if this one is given a fair and thoughtful reading. Thanks.
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see how dull and boring we are?

Like so many of you, up until about a month ago, I lived a very normal life. I've been married for over 10 years, live in suburbia with a great job in the city, and my beautiful wife and I are the proud parents of three young children. I love to travel with my wife, I love to play sports with my boys, and I love to go on "dates" with my little girl. Like I said, we're pretty normal - even boring you might say. Come to think of it, I'm Asian-American, studied Accounting, love baseball, and grew up Presbyterian - this is the very definition of "dull" and "boring".

Well, about five weeks ago (January 7th, 2012), our boring lives suddenly became very..."un-boring". It all started for us when, due to my wife's stomach pain, we took a trip to the ER on an otherwise normal Friday night. Over the course of two days the diagnosis evolved from a large stomach ulcer, to a pericardial effusion (massive fluid buildup around the heart) to Stage IV lymphoma cancer. Since then we have faced numerous surgeries, spent nearly 2 weeks in ICU, stared death in the face twice (see here and here) and started an aggressive chemotherapy regimen along with all the "fun stuff" (e.g. hair loss, hallucinations, intense body aches, nausea, fatigue, etc) that come with that.

Suffering in Silence

It's hard for me to describe how much our lives have been flipped upside-down in the last month. Despite all the medical ups and downs (including this pericardial fluid issue) Kim and I have been so humbled by the continuous outpouring of love, prayers and support. We both agree that one of the greatest blessings from this whole ordeal has been getting moving responses from so many of you describing in detail your own personal trial and suffering and how the Lord redeemed it. Many of these testimonies were put in the comment sections of this post HERE (I'm still moved to tears when I read these!), but there were countless others who chose a more "private" path and instead simply emailed us with your own "story" asking us not to share it with anyone else - many of which have apparently not been shared with anyone else (except perhaps their pastor or one or two other people in the whole world). We are humbled that you would feel led to open up your lives to us in this way and we have been so blessed by you sharing them with us - but we feel this much needs to be said...

Bone Marrow Going Global!

I don't want this important issue to get lost in Kim's health updates and my silly polls. If you're just becoming aware of this issue - please click HERE for the 411.  If you are in the Evanston, IL or Northern VA area please see UPDATE in RED below!)

I can't even begin to describe all the wonderful things that have been happening on the bone marrow front. Special thanks to all of you that have taken the personal step of registering! This small step could save a life!

For those that have chosen to go even further and pick up a weapon and join the fight in a bigger way the events that have transpired over the last couple weeks have been breath-taking and inspiring. A few examples:

- My good friend David (along with several friends from Calvary) ran a great drive at Calvary a couple Sundays ago and got over 200 registrants in ~3 hours work. Great job! Not only that they are working with other leaders in Chicago. I also know they were involved with a drive in Hinsdale (last Sunday) and drives in Evanston and Naperville are being set up as we speak!  They've also contacted family in Baltimore who has committed to helping set up a drive at their several thousand member Korean church. Drives in Tampa, FL and the West Coast are in the works as well.

Seeing Jesus in Pain

If you've been following this blog, you know that Kim and I have endured a lot of pain and suffering in the last few weeks. As such, this idea of pain and suffering has been swirling around in my mind a lot lately. I am very well aware that there are others who have endured and will endure far greater pain and suffering than we have. I do not want to marginalize your pain nor do I want to speak on your behalf, but I do want to bring to light a few things the Lord has helped me to see as we have walked through our own pain and suffering.

THE PROBLEM OF PAIN
One of the first arguments against Christianity is the existence of pain and suffering in the world and it's often worded something like this... 

"If God is a God of love how could He allow such great pain and suffering in this world?

and this conclusion often follows.... 

"Since so much pain and suffering exists in this world, God therefore must not exist, as no loving God would allow this."

I'm not going to try and get all philosophical here or wax poetic about the divine purposes of pain and suffering, but I do want to chime in with a few humble thoughts.

The Difference Between Faith, Hope and Love

A dear friend wrote this yesterday on my Facebook wall after I posted a status update that Kim was back at home and doing well:  Amen!!! There is no doubt in my mind that God is watching over Kim. Have a beautiful weekend. BTW you should consider taking all of your updates and making it into an inspirational book. A book about love, hope and endless faith!!! Love you guys!!

Seein Jesus in Cancer

summer 2009 reunion

About 2.5 years ago I wrote a note about my high school youth pastor, Kevin, on Facebook called "Thankful". In His goodness, the Lord brought him into my life at the perfect time. To be perfectly honest, I was in 8th grade, had moved to a new school, and was an insecure, prepubescent, scared young boy who, quite frankly, struggled with suicidal thoughts. The note is re-posted below:

Thankful  - posted August 20, 2009

If you ever get the chance to go back and thank someone for blessing your life - do it! Call them. Write them. Pray for them. No matter how much time has passed - do something! It's such a blessing for everyone involved. A few months ago I felt this urge to write a letter to my old youth pastor, Kevin S, so i could share with him the enormous blessing and impact he was to me at a very pivotal point in my life. Growing up in a Korean church I'm sure any kid would have loved to have a 6'4" former college QB as a youth pastor, but much more than being athletic and funny - it was the love he demonstrated with his gentle rebukes, his meeting us before school for Bible Study twice a week, his attending our high school games (to watch me get pinned while wrestling) all while holding numerous part-time jobs, attending seminary and raising three well-mannered kids (now totaling six!). This taught me more about the love of Christ than a thousand sermons.

Blessings and Curses

KIM UPDATE
Praise God, despite the severe infusion reaction last Friday the oncologist felt that Kim got enough Rituxan to be effective in her treatment and so we won't be encountering that drug again until the next cycle - in about 3 weeks. This was a pleasant surprise to us. Please continue to pray that Kim would be able to receive the Rituxan drug going forward.

Sign our children made for mom's homecoming

The doctors told us yesterday since Kim had made such great progress over the weekend she would be discharged today pending some final tests. We packed up our bags, Kim got changed and we were so ready to leave when, one of the final tests required before leaving (an echocardiogram) came back showing some significant fluid build-up around the heart again. It's somewhat of a mystery since a pericardial window was put in but the cardiologist (who felt sick telling us the bad news) thinks there may be an obstruction there. We were readying ourselves for yet another surgery, plus another few days in the hospital with a chest tube, but God has heard your cries, and later when the thoracic surgeon came by he felt we should just monitor the situation and make sure we return for another echocardiogram on Friday and let us go home! Yes!! Please pray that this fluid buildup around the heart would dissipate by Friday so that no further surgery or hospital stay is needed. 

Look Out Cancer...Here We Come!

Please read to bottom and see one small request from us. Thank you for loving on us and for your prayers! 

HEALTH UPDATE
We were praying for a definitive answer and now we have one. As the doctors suspected all along, it's cancer - specifically "Diffuse Large B-Cell Lymphoma".  This would explain all the other problems. The fluid building around Kim's heart. The large ulcer in her stomach. The chronic coughing. All due to this cancer. We are starting an aggressive chemotherapy (R-CHOP) this afternoon. It's considered to be in Stage IV because their are masses on the stomach and pancreas but this is still a very treatable cancer. When the oncologist sat down and gave us the news yesterday he said the cure rate is probably 50-70%. The nurse then came in to basically console Kim but to be honest between the three of us - she was the only one crying.

Please pray that the cancer would respond quickly and completely to the treatment. These next few weeks are crucial because it will quickly determine whether the treatment is working, and when the cancer cells are destroyed they release toxins into the body which creates other potential problems. There is also the risk of infection since Kim's white blood cell count will be low after her sessions - not to mention nausea and fatigue.

Thanksgiving 2011

Please pray that she would be protected from any infections or complications to the treatment. The chemotherapy will be done in 6 sessions separated every 3 weeks - assuming her body responds to it. So the next four months there will be ups and downs, and so while I know so many of you are eager to see her and talk to her when she leaves the hospital, I'm still going to have to play "bad cop", "gatekeeper", "that jerk for a husband" - whatever you want to call it and put limits on Kim catching up with 3,000 of her closest friends while she's in treatment. She should be more available than she is now but if you have 50 well-meaning friends visiting a week I doubt Kim will be able to focus on getting better. I'm sure you all get it.

Finding New Life

Please feel free to forward this site to people that we may have missed on our email distribution list and/or to any of your trusted friends who would like to serve us by praying for us. Again, if you prefer to receive email notifications just submit your email address in the box above and you will receive an email to verify (make sure it's not in your spam box) and you should receive updates via email every day. Also, any comments to Kim should be easier to make below each post now as verification is no longer necessary. (Thank you my tech friends!) I can't believe there are already +1,500 views on this blog in only one day of existence! If that means +1,500 prayers than I will do whatever I can to encourage more and specific prayers. Love to you all!
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HEALTH UPDATE
It looks like the doctors feel they can get a tissue sample from Kim's mediastinum (chest area) without invasive surgery. Thank you God and for your prayers on this! They have a procedure in which they can use a large needle to withdraw the sample and confirm what they think is "large B-cell lymphoma" - which will likely happen this afternoon. Please continue to pray for a crystal clear diagnosis. We are hoping they can remove the tube which is draining the fluid around her heart today. It is the source of a lot of pain and should allow her to be more comfortable and improve her breathing. Please pray that the pericardium fluid would slow enough to remove the tube from her chest.

KIM UPDATE
As I said, Kim is showing an inner strength that belies her inner beauty and it is a sight to behold. She is still in pain but in good spirits. It's a privilege to be her husband and I must say after 10+ years of Kim complaining about my "spray control" around the toilet it's ironic that I am now the one replacing her bed pans (not to mention she is going to the bathroom nearly every hour due to the IV). Truly, God has a sense of humor.

I'm a little out of it these days.

Update on Kim - Tuesday, 1/10/12

Email Sent on Jan 10th

 Dear friends and family,

Sorry to disappoint but this is still Peter. Apparently, if you send too many mass emails Google will lock down your account and so I'm sending these out piecemeal from Kim's account. It made me realize how blessed we are to have so many praying. Due to the overwhelming response I'm going to try to send more frequent updates as many of you have been gracious enough to respond and I know many of you are requesting updates and specifics to better pray and so I'm happy to oblige.

HEALTH UPDATE
Kim has made a lot of progress since the last update. She was finally able to begin eating (soft foods) yesterday and hospital food has never tasted so good. She is even sitting up periodically now. In terms of the diagnosis nothing has really changed - the doctors are still waiting on the biopsy results which should start coming in very soon and over the next few days. There is a chance that may need to go in for more biopsies in and around the lymph nodes in the chest if they don't get the info they need. Please pray that this would not be necessary, especially as it is more invasive than the previous ones.

I know this may sound crazy but I still believe that the Lord may heal her totally and completely in a miraculous way. All the doctors are saying the "c" word but for the one who created the sun, moon and stars - this is small donuts. But even if He chooses not too, Kim and I are convinced, now more than ever, that the Lord has a plan in all of this and we are already seeing it unfold through the many testimonies that so many of you have already shared. Please pray with us in faith - for a miracle, and that He would find us faithful even if He chooses a different and more glorifying path.

KID UPDATE
The kids got to see mom for the first time yesterday night. We had put it off for so long because things kept coming up but we finally decided to do it. I was nervous because Kim was so out of it that 10 minutes before she couldn't even keep her head up straight because she felt nauseous. But sure enough, when the kids came in she was "mommy". I was told Selah learned the word "M" in pre-school. When the teacher asked what words start with "M", Selah declared, "Mommy!" and then promptly announced to everyone that her mommy was in the hospital. A badge of honor for her - apparently. We take all of this as a good sign and an answer to all of our and your prayers.

ENCOURAGEMENT
Kim and I spent most of last night and today reading through your many emails, encouragements, prayers and notes to us and have experienced nearly every emotion under the sun. We'd love to respond to each one of you personally but if we can't please see this email as a sincere "thank you". We were especially blessed by your heartfelt prayers, the verses that the Lord inspired you to share, hearing from beloved friends that we haven't connected with in a long time, and those who have walked through far greater trials. Even the recorded prayer meeting/conference call. You are all such a blessing to us and we are so thankful for each of you and all of your prayers.

A personal thing I wanted to share. Kim was doing so well last night that I slept at home. I didn't get to bed until 2am and planned on trying to sleep in a bit. I was awakened around 6:30am by a verse that I didn't even know the reference to - so I had to look it up...

"...but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail....” -Luke 22:32

These words were spoken by Jesus to the apostle Peter. Kim and I have been overwhelmed by all the prayers from each of you but in that moment I sensed the Lord telling me that He himself was praying for us...and His prayers never fail. I am convinced we will get through this and our faith will be victorious but only because of the everlasting love and grace of Jesus to whom all of you are appealing.

I pray in the same way you would also find encouragement. We are all facing trials of different shapes and sizes, but Jesus is interceding on your behalf just as He is ours (Hebrews 7:25) and His prayers never fail.

In His grace,

Peter & Kim