All the Way My Savior Leads Me

This post is a continuation of a previous post (see HERE). As I mentioned before there is one song that has risen above all others in the last week or so. I shared this special song  and story during the worship service of our old church (Calvary) this past Sunday and now I wish to share it with you... 

A couple weeks ago I described in detail the longest two hours of my life ("Dark Night of the Soul") which I now realize occurred on Friday the 13th (strange?). This was when I thought I had lost Kim (for the 2nd time that week), and at the very least, I was certain the chemo treatment would not work due to her severe infusion reaction. After the "code blue" episode and after the nurses finally administered the heavy pain meds -  Kim was out of it for nearly two hours. As I wrote before, during that time I stood by her bed leaning next to her head and quoted Scripture, wept, prayed, repented and sang softly into her ear. It was the most heart-wrenching and yet most sacred moment I have ever experienced. There's something that happened that night that I had only told a very few people (until this past Sunday). To be honest, I didn't really understand it fully at the time. But let me explain what has unfolded since then. As Kim started to come around  and as her head began to stir - with her eyes remaining closed and from a very dry mouth something remarkable occurred, she uttered her first word.... 

"Cros-beeeeee", she whispered.

"Huh?" I thought.

I leaned closer and asked her to repeat it...

"Crosby..." She repeated softly.

I was completely mystified. I had no idea who she was talking about or what it meant. It was just like that scene right out of the classic film "Citizen Kane" but it wasn't "Rosebud" that was uttered, it was...."Crosby."

My mind was racing. "Bing Crosby? Bill Cosby?

Then it hit me, since I was just singing to her....

"Do you mean Fanny Crosby?" I asked.

She nodded once.

"Do you want me to sing a Fanny Crosby song?"

Eyes still closed - she nodded slowly again.

For a little background, Fanny Crosby, was a Christian hymn writer who was born in 1820. Due to a physician's error she was rendered blind as an infant, but went on to write hundreds of poems and hymns. That said, the one and only Fanny Crosby song I could think of was "Blessed Assurance" (thanks to my Mississippi Valley Christian School grade school days). So I butchered my way through the first verse and then sang her the chorus. After I finished I was mystified. I had to see what the Lord was doing here and so I pulled out my iPad and googled "Fanny Crosby" and found this link with her bio. When I read the opening quotes I was floored: 

About her blindness, Fanny said: "It seemed intended by the blessed providence of God that I should be blind all my life, and I thank him for the dispensation. If perfect earthly sight were offered me tomorrow I would not accept it. I might not have sung hymns to the praise of God if I had been distracted by the beautiful and interesting things about me.....If I had a choice, I would still choose to remain blind...for when I die, the first face I will ever see will be the face of my blessed Saviour.

Here was a woman who was cursed by the world's standards - cursed with a wretched blindness. And yet she counted it a great blessing because of what the Lord was able to do through her because of it. She understood her purpose in life and yet her all consuming desire and greatest anticipation was not to see....but only to "see Jesus".

One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,  to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple. -Psalm 27:4

In much the same way, there my wife lay in the ICU bed in front of me, cursed, in the worlds' eyes, with a wretched disease called cancer. But we are just now beginning to see what the Lord is able to do in and through it, and we pray, like Fanny Crosby, that our consuming desire and greatest anticipation would not ultimately be for healing, but to "see Jesus".

The story doesn't end there. In fact, here is the kicker.....

Kim doesn't really know who Crosby is. No lie. When she was fully alert later that night, and before mentioning anything to her, I asked her if she knew who Fanny Crosby was. She quickly said, "No." Then after some time, she paused and asked "Wait, was she a songwriter?" I told her "yes" but she could not recall a single Fanny Crosby song ever written - even after I had sung one to her. I'm not kidding you. She doesn't even remember saying the word, "Crosby" to me and laughs about it to this day. (Cue the Twilight Zone music)

I was really flummoxed by this. And so the next day - I pulled up a website listing all of Fanny Crosby's songs/hymns to see if she had possibly written another song I was familiar with. For some reason the only song I knew was "Blessed Assurance", and it didn't make sense to me. The lyrics didn't really fit with the moment but I just shrugged it off and basically forgot about it.

Now let's fast forward to about 10 days ago, Saturday (1/21)....

Rich Mullins

Saturday was not a good day. It was Kim's worst day since coming home, and she was feeling extremely tired, sore, and nauseous and none of the meds were helping. She slept away most of the day. We had a lot of family in the house but feeling a bit down, I went to the basement with my guitar to steal a moment in worship. As I was thinking about what song to sing, the first song that came to my mind was "All the Way My Savior Leads Me". It's a song I heard on a Rich Mullins album (The World as Best as I can Remember It - Vol II) many years ago and I fell in love with it. I figured out how to play it back in college and knew it by heart and so after I sang it a couple times I decided to pull it up on my iPad when it hit me....right there on the website...the original writer was not Rich Mullins....it was FANNY CROSBY!!!

I was freaking out. This was the song! In fact, despite my forgetfulness, this song was so special to me that for years I have been telling Kim that if I die before she does, and if anyone comes to my funeral THIS is the song I want played. She would always respond with, "I can't give the eulogy at your funeral. I'll be crying too much." And then a mini-argument would ensue about who would cry more at whose funeral. Anyways, I'd always adamantly conclude with, "Just make sure you play THAT song!" I cannot make this stuff up.

This song has a special place in my heart. If you read and meditate on the lyrics you will better understand what I mean. This Crosby hymn was simply the final product of someone who had lived their whole life walking "by faith and not by sight" (literally). Here are the lyrics:

All the way my Savior leads me,
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy,
Who through life has been my Guide?
Heav’nly peace, divinest comfort,
Here by faith in Him to dwell!
For I know, whate’er befall me,
Jesus doeth all things well;
 

All the way my Savior leads me,
Cheers each winding path I tread,
Gives me strength for every trial,
Feeds me with the living Bread.
Though my weary steps may falter
And my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the Rock before me,
Lo! A spring of joy I see;
 
All the way my Savior leads me,
Oh, the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised
In my Father’s house above.
When my spirit, clothed immortal,
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages:
Jesus led me all the way;

What a beautiful testimony to the faithfulness of Jesus! No matter what the circumstance, no matter what the trial, there is a holy awareness that Jesus is not only there - but leading every step of the way. Even a blind person could see this. It was the perfect song to describe our recent trial and all these words have taken on a renewed and deeper meaning.

I've always felt that if the character in the Footprints poem were to write a response song - after his epiphany - "All the Way My Savior Leads Me" would be that song.  The poem has become a cliche among Christian circles - but for those unfamiliar:

Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.  -Psalm 77:19

God is always there. He is always watching, and His eyes are always fixed on us. And it's not because He is waiting for us to slip up, or fall down again - it's because He loves us with an unconditional, agape love and He is "cheering each winding path we tread...".

In closing, based on all the above I felt a strong leading to share this song with my old church (Calvary) and now with you. A song that is very near and dear to my heart. I guess for some reason the Lord didn't think my funeral should be the first time this song was shared in public - so again - if you have a high tolerance for bad music....enjoy and God bless.

In His Grace,

Peter & Kim

My ghetto version: