|Who would have known these two would end up together?|
Anyways, contrary to popular belief I never called my sister, with the hopes that Kim would answer the phone, allowing me to strike up a “Rico Suave” conversation with her. If I did though, this is probably how it would have went:
Me: “Hello?!" *Ahem* [voice going an octave lower] “Hey baby, this is Rico Sua…errr…I mean…Peter. Is Lydia there?”
Kim: “Huh? Oh, no…sorry – she’s out.”
Me: “Oh really? That’s….unfortunate.” [grinch-like smile slowly spreading across my face]
Me: “So…did Lydia ever tell you about that time that I heroically saved her life…from dying…in that one life and death situation…you know…that one time?”
Me: “Oh. What about that time that I got her that wonderfully, expensive birthday present…when it was her birthday…in that life and birth situation…you know…that one time?”
Me: “Do you like scooters?”
You see - if I tried “Rico Suave” our potential relationship would have been doomed from the start. God is good. But honestly, at that point, I never thought of her as anything more than a nice girl. That said, there were a ton of guys that “liked” her though – and I mean a ton! To this day, I’m still finding out about different guys who liked her from her dusty shoebox collection of old birthday cards, pathetic love letters, etc – guys I would have never imagined too. Some of those guys are probably reading this blog. (You guys know who you are...shame on you.) Here’s a recent conversation between me and Kim discussing male-reject #437:
Me: “No!!! That guy liked you too??”
Kim: [nodding head]
Me: “But…he was a church officer as a freshman, who never missed a morning prayer, was a mute around girls, had sworn to celibacy upon puberty, and never cut his hair upon taking the Nazirite vow!”
Kim: [shrugs shoulders]
But I digress. Point is, with my sister being my spy…err...I mean her roommate, I realized Kim wasn’t at all the “playah” I initially thought she was. The turning point of my perception of her was in December of 1995 (my senior year and Kim's sophomore year). I remember having a conversation with my sister, Lydia, about who she could “see” me marrying. Her exact words were:
“Peter, you need someone like Kim….but don’t even think about her.”Ahhh..the sweet honesty shared between close siblings. I don’t know why she added that little caveat in the end. Maybe she was trying to protect me – knowing that Kim was way out of my league and I would face certain rejection. Maybe she thought Kim was too good for me – fearing my pure evil would corrupt her pure heart. Maybe she thought of the hundreds of innocent girls that would hysterically jump out of windows once they found out I had “given” my heart to Kim – yeah, that was probably it.
Anyways, that first part stayed with me like a redundant echo that incessantly repeats itself over and over again. “You need someone like Kim.” From that day forward, I just kind of took that to heart and the seed was planted. I didn’t start praying for her right then, but I think at that point I thought of her differently. You know…the way a 12 year old geek-boy thinks of Kim Kardashian. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
For single women:
- Be nice to all your girlfriends and roomates. Who knows – one of them might have a smokin’ hot older brother.
- Unless you want 437 guys sniffing around you, learn to be rude to boys. Every guy thinks every girl is in love with them unless you're constantly rude to them. What can I say? Guys are stupid.
- Be wary of guys calling you under the pretense that they are looking for their sister. No guys call their sisters. Ever.
- Treat all women as if they were your sisters. On second thought, treat them better than you treat your sisters.
- Don’t ever use your sisters to plot diabolical schemes to meet girls. However, if you do make sure you hire a lawyer and pre-negotiate an air-tight agreement with a clearly defined fixed payment schedule.
- Don’t pass judgment on people based on your first impressions of them. You just may pass on your future wife. Similarly, don’t pass gas in front of your future wife either. (this embarrassing life lesson will be explained in another chapter)